The Myth of the Selfless Mother: Reclaiming Motherhood on Our Own Terms

As a mother of three little ones born in three years and a scientist, I’ve seen firsthand how much pressure mothers are under to do things the “right” way. But let’s be clear: the so-called ‘right’ way is often just a set of outdated, patriarchal expectations dressed up as maternal virtue.

For generations, we’ve been told that good mothers are selfless. That exhaustion is a badge of honor. That sacrificing ourselves—our time, our bodies, our ambitions—is the price of being a “great mom.” These ideas are so deeply embedded in our culture that they’re rarely questioned. But they should be.

Because here’s what the research actually tells us: mothers who are supported, rested, and respected raise thriving children. Our well-being isn’t secondary—it’s foundational. And yet, the pressure to conform to impossible ideals persists, leaving countless mothers burnt out, guilt-ridden, and disconnected from their own needs.

It’s time to push back against this narrative. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s science. A well-supported mother is not a luxury; she’s a necessity. And yet, society continues to glorify maternal struggle while failing to provide the structural support that would actually allow mothers to thrive.

So let’s say this plainly: If something isn’t working for you? Change it. If advice doesn’t fit your reality? Ignore it. You don’t have to mother in a way that breaks you. The best mother for your baby isn’t some unattainable ideal—it’s you, in your full, whole, and supported self.

This is where feminism comes in—not just as a theoretical framework but as a lived, daily resistance. It’s in choosing rest over burnout, boundaries over people-pleasing, and self-respect over self-sacrifice. It’s in rejecting the outdated expectation that motherhood must be synonymous with depletion.

We need to start seeing maternal well-being as a priority, not an afterthought. And that starts with each of us rejecting the guilt, the unrealistic standards, and the myth that we must disappear into motherhood to do it “right.”

The truth is, there is no single “right” way to mother. But there is one wrong way—to force ourselves into a mold that was never meant to hold us.